50, Now What?!

Alexa Silvaggio Transcript
===

[00:00:00] Alicia: Hello everyone and welcome to 50. Now what I'm your host, Alicia Sutton, and today we're gonna be talking about mindfulness and embodiment as we move into the season of being 50 and those crossroads in our life. And I have with me today, mindfulness and embodiment expert, Alexa Seva. Alexa is a wellness entrepreneur based in Los Angeles.

[00:00:26] Alicia: She's a teacher, Ted x speaker, writer, podcast host, retreat leader, and the c e O of Rich Chocolate Rituals. Alexa just comes from a genuine space of kindness and gratitude and genuinely encourages you to cultivate a more loving relationship with your body and self. Through all she teaches, and I am super excited to have her with us today.

[00:00:49] Alicia: Hello,

[00:00:49] Alexa: Alexa. Hi. Thank you for having me. I just got chills. You're just so radiant. Oh,

[00:00:56] Alicia: thank you. Well, you know, I'm definitely getting from both sides, so what you give, I [00:01:00] get, and I really believe that we're here to just, you know, we gotta make space to receive the gifts that we're given. And I consider you a gift with me here today.

[00:01:09] Alicia: So I'm going to be here and we're going to receive you, and we'll start off with. Are women, especially, you can see women in their fifties and holding onto, what are we holding onto? Thoughts, habits, feelings. Basically the baggage. I'm just, just to be real. What baggage are you seeing us holding onto and carrying into, uh, what should be the most radiant time of our lives into our fifties and how do we let go of that baggage and really start.

[00:01:36] Alicia: Are life driven by purpose rather than pain and crisis.

[00:01:40] Alexa: Amen. Amen. Um, the first, as, as you were speaking of a few kind of like popcorn kernels came forward for me, I think one of the biggest things that we're living with, that's keeping us from, from our purpose and keeping us in pain, keeping us in resistance and keeping us out of flow is fear.

[00:01:57] Alexa: Fear and worry. Um, it is, [00:02:00] I, I, I struggle with it myself and Yes. You know, fear, there's, there's. Different acronyms for it, false evidence, appearing real, fuck everything and run. That's what it stands for, right? Mm-hmm. It's, it's a means of keeping us stuck and, um, and fear is such a normal experience. It's such a normal thing to feel, and frankly, like our fear has served us very well.

[00:02:24] Alexa: You know? Yes. If we're being chased by a tiger, fear is great. Like, like fight, flight, freeze. Please use it like you will survive that way. But if you're just trying to. Send an email or like have a conversation like fear isn't, isn't super helpful, right? Yeah. Um, it's, it, it's keeping us from where we want to be and so really getting present, um, fear very rarely actually occurs in the present moment.

[00:02:52] Alexa: Fear is usually about something that may or may not happen in the future, or it's about something that already did happen and we're kind of reliving it, right? So we're not present. [00:03:00] Hence the mindfulness piece and worry. Is kind of the like redheaded stepchild of fear. Mm-hmm. And worry actually comes from the old English word wron, which means to strangle.

[00:03:10] Alexa: So when we are in worry, we are strangling what could be. Oh wow. We're strangling the breath out of the moment. And the opposite of being strangled is, Breathing and breathing has a beautiful way of knocking us conscious, right? Like, yes, the first thing you ever did upon entering the planet was breathe.

[00:03:30] Alexa: It will be the last thing you ever do. It is a timekeeper saying Now, now, now, now, now, now. So when we find ourselves in fear and worry, we can return to the breath and that will allow us to arrive now, which again, the now very rarely actually involves fear.

[00:03:46] Alicia: So that's a big one. That's so true. That is a big one.

[00:03:48] Alicia: That is a big one. But you know what, it's almost like you've become conditioned because, uh, I think when you've been making your decisions and, and moving through the world, uh, not through your purpose, but like you said, [00:04:00] through fear, is because everything is, you're, you're anticipating the next crisis, right?

[00:04:04] Alicia: And so you're not spending that time, like you said, being present. I love. And you talk about that in your TED Talk as well. And when we talk about connection, I think a lot of times we externalize being connected with someone else. Connected in, you know, the, the guy I wanna meet or the girl I wanna meet, or whomever, finding that connection.

[00:04:23] Alicia: But what we often forget is the connection that we need to have. With ourself, and you talk about that, and if you could go into that a little bit about how cultivating a better relationship with yourself, not just improved your life, but may have saved your life.

[00:04:37] Alexa: Yeah. The connection we have to ourselves, ironically, affects the connection that we have with everything and everyone.

[00:04:44] Alexa: Mm-hmm. You know, the word relationship, we go, oh, we're talking about a romantic partner. But actually we have a relationship to everything. Right? Like, I have a, I have a relationship to this cup of coffee. Yeah. I have a relationship to my past. I have a relationship to my boyfriend. I have a relationship to my dog.

[00:04:58] Alexa: I have a relationship to food, relationship to everything. [00:05:00]

[00:05:00] Alicia: Oh, I have a relationship with food. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:05:05] Alexa: That's my message. That's another sh And turned it into my message.

[00:05:08] Alicia: Yeah. Show. That's another show. That's the next episode. Next episode. How long do you have?

[00:05:12] Alexa: Um, our insights and outsides always match. I always say the way we do anything is the way that we do everything.

[00:05:18] Alexa: And so we wanna look at the connection that we have to ourselves in every circumstance, in every way, shape and form, because, Equally and opposite reacts to the external, right? Right. Like the relationship that I have to myself and my body affects the relationship that I call in the way that I feel about my body is probably the way that my partner's gonna feel about my body, the way that I feel about work or values.

[00:05:48] Alexa: I'm gonna find people and places and circumstances that reflect that. So, We're we're an energetic match. Have you ever talked to anyone [00:06:00] or been this person? I certainly have where it's like you keep finding the same type of partner over and over again. You're like, God, I thought I was done with these like unavailable people, or I thought I was done with these like manipulative assholes or like whatever.

[00:06:12] Alexa: And you keep finding

[00:06:14] Alicia: them and Oh God, yes. You calling me out. Yeah, you just called me. Yes. No,

[00:06:20] Alexa: me too. Me too too. Cause it's like I can be in a room of like a thousand people and I'll find that

[00:06:27] Alicia: one. The big jerk. Yes. Me.

[00:06:29] Alexa: Yes. Like I'll find it. And it's because it's an energetic match. Yeah. And so we have to look at our internal world and how that reflects to the external world and our ability to connect to ourselves affects then how.

[00:06:45] Alexa: React to that. Yeah. Right. Like, we may have these patterns, like, oh, I, I attract unavailable people. But the more connected we are to ourselves, the faster we can go. Oh shit. I'm doing it again. Yeah. Hold on. I gotta get outta here. I gotta get outta here. Yeah. There's a book by, um, the, the Buddhist [00:07:00] monk, Pema children who I love, uh, called Fail Fail Again.

[00:07:03] Alexa: Fail Better. Mm-hmm. And it's like we don't just go from. Here to, there we go. From here to here, to here, to here, to here, to here. To here. Yeah. Right. Like, right. We don't just go from choosing unavailable people to choosing available people. We have a trajectory. A trajectory, and that goes for every relationship

[00:07:21] Alicia: that we have.

[00:07:22] Alicia: It really is and, and, and what you're speaking. And I can, I can, I hear it. I'm picking up on it. And that is, uh, what you're sending out, almost like your energy, your, your frequency, what you're sending, almost like an antenna. It's like what you are inside and what you are sending out. You're gonna pick up.

[00:07:39] Alicia: You're bringing in almost whether you know it or not, what you're asking for. And so when you have that connection, like you're talking about so deeply, that connection you'll bring in what, what you really need or what you really should have or believe you have. It's almost like self, like a self prophecy.

[00:07:55] Alicia: Yes. You know what I mean? If you say it, you, that's kind of what you bring in. And so, and I wanna make this [00:08:00] distinction as. And you can expand on it. And that is, I, I wanna make the distinction between, uh, having a self connection, what we're talking about and being self-aware, which to me almost sounds like, you know, you kind of, you know your characteristics.

[00:08:12] Alicia: You know, I hear people say, I, I know myself, you know, I know I could be some type of a way, you know, knowing your mood and your character and, you know, whether or not you look good and green or whatever, you know, is not the same as what we're talking about. And what you are saying is,

[00:08:26] Alexa: Yes. Having a loving or at least a present internal environment and really, you know, it's like what I, what I do talk about in my TED talk is the, the power of connection and how really a a, a life of meaning is a connected life.

[00:08:42] Alexa: Yes. Right? It's, it's about making the mundane, meaningful. It's about staying connected through the exquisite and the excruciating of life. Mm. And how really, like the opposite of. Like we're talking about, we all have relationships, right? It's all kind of tying together, like we all have a relationship to [00:09:00] coffee or whatever.

[00:09:00] Alexa: Like, yes, I

[00:09:01] Alicia: do, whatever. Yes.

[00:09:03] Alexa: Yes, exactly. And the question is, does this thing make me move further away from myself or does this thing make me move toward myself more? Right. We can watch an episode of a TV show and it's really fun and entertaining, and I'm like, yes, I love this. Or I can binge watch 20.

[00:09:22] Alexa: And I'm avoiding the fact that I don't want to face

[00:09:26] Alicia: something. I know that one. Yeah, I'm me too. How, and you, and you said it perfectly, how things can be a treat or a treatment for something we're trying to avoid. And I can tell you I am, I've, I've been very fortunate, but I mean, I love, I love chocolate. I love cheese and.

[00:09:46] Alicia: And they both pair very well with something else I love called wine. And I mean, talk about sitting your rocking chair at the edge of a porch. It could flip over at any moment, but you know, hundred percent. We can really, it can really, you can [00:10:00] set yourself up in so many different ways trying to, to feed or trying to, to numb out what, um, and you talk about this perfectly, is what we probably need to be moving through.

[00:10:11] Alicia: Many

[00:10:11] Alexa: of us don't have the courage or confidence to sit with. Like just learning to stay with whatever it is, right? We're like, I'm up and out, I'm out. I can check on my phone, I can go binge work. Yeah, I can binge eat. Yeah, I can grab a bottle of wine and I don't even have to feel that. Don't have to feel that.

[00:10:32] Alexa: And I give the example and the a talk about, you know, when my, when my mother passed away and it's like, you better believe for a solid month I went into. I call it power mode, which was like me over-functioning like crazy. Like I was like, oh, doing so much like working full-time again. Like I didn't take any time off work.

[00:10:52] Alexa: Like I just went into full over-functioning mode. And after a month of that I was like, if I don't take some time to actually properly grieve [00:11:00] this, I never will. And then I'll wake up in 20 years and not remember my life like, oh my God, I need to move through this. You know? And it's hard.

[00:11:08] Alicia: It is hard, and I, I remember that part when you, when you spoke about your mother and I'm, I'm glad you brought that up.

[00:11:14] Alicia: I wanted to, you know, wanted to talk to you about that as well. And, and that was one of the things that resonated. So deeply with me and I, you know, I lost my mother was, you know, it's been many years ago now, but you hit it right on the head. You, I spent so much time in the distraction of everything else, thinking that I was, that I was healing, that I was getting through this or that I was.

[00:11:40] Alicia: And, and some of us, and, and, and not just me, but I know a lot of times culturally and especially with women, uh, you, you get the feeling that you gotta get it done. You know, get over it and move on. And, and people wanna give you almost like it's a timeframe. And couple years had gone by and I'm working, I'm on my [00:12:00] grind and I just.

[00:12:02] Alicia: Melted. Mm. Me angel. But we don't take that time to be in the present and to savor that. And, and you talk about that as well. And I, I wanna, cuz we can go so deep into this. I know. I know you we're like girl. Yeah. But um, I, I, I, I wanna talk about that. Um, if you don't mind sharing it, that, that present moment that your mom had, that that savoring that moment, if you can, if you mind talk about

[00:12:31] Alexa: that, it's so precious.

[00:12:33] Alexa: And then, first of all, thank you for sharing that about your mom and my condolences, because grief doesn't have a timeline. It really doesn't like mm-hmm. Especially around the holidays or whatever you're, it's like, okay, it's still, that's still alive

[00:12:50] Alicia: in me. That's still, there's still a lot's still, still there.

[00:12:53] Alicia: Still there. Mm-hmm.

[00:12:53] Alexa: That's so human. And so thank you. Um, I talk a lot about [00:13:00] the, the practice of savoring and savoring is like the mindfulness tool that is kind of the essence of the brand that I created. Um, We can, we can savor a conversation or we can have a conversation while doing 54 things and folding the laundry.

[00:13:20] Alexa: Right. We can savor a bite of chocolate or we can eat it in the car going through traffic. We can savor a kiss or we can like drunkenly, make out at a bar. They're all the same things, right? Like you're doing the same things. Yeah. You're just doing them with different, you know, like you're just doing them differently.

[00:13:42] Alexa: You're doing them with different intention.

[00:13:44] Alicia: Different intention,

[00:13:46] Alexa: nothing. Makes us wake up to the preciousness of embodiment. Mm-hmm. Nothing wakes us up to the preciousness of being in a human body and being alive like. And it's, and it's an example that is not [00:14:00] only about physical death, it's also like the death of a relationship, right?

[00:14:03] Alexa: Like before you break up, you're like, oh, one more hug. Or one more, yeah. Like, oh, one more

[00:14:08] Alicia: time. Like you always want the last one. You want the last what?

[00:14:13] Alexa: The last bite of something. You're like

[00:14:15] Alicia: bite. Oh yeah, that's it.

[00:14:18] Alexa: Oh, it's good. Yeah. That was good. We savor it, right? We're like, this is the last. And the day before my mother died, um, we were, it was the first year of Covid, so it was like full lockdown too.

[00:14:31] Alexa: Yeah. Um, so she was at home, which was a total beautiful gift. Um, she was upstairs in her bedroom and she really wanted to be outside. Um, it was November 26th. She died on the 27th. So it was Thanksgiving. Actually. It was Thanksgiving day. She died the day after Thanksgiving and. Um, she wanted to be outside cause it was nice and crisp and it was beautiful and the birds were chirping.

[00:14:53] Alexa: It was early in the morning so no one else was awake, but I'm like a 5:00 AM wake up person. So I was, I was there with her and [00:15:00] she, um, She had made the request and I, she was having a hard time getting around at this point. She was still able to kind of like shuffle, but it was like stairs just didn't feel like a good idea until more people were awake.

[00:15:12] Alexa: We could help her get down. It was a whole thing. So I said to her, I said, you know, mom, I'm so sorry. I don't really feel comfortable doing that, but why don't we put you. In a chair by the window and I'll open up the window and it was a big window. We'll open up the window. I'll, I'll get you coffee and we'll put it in your best mug and we'll turn on some, you know, miles Davis or whatever it was, and, and just sit and listen and, and be in the, be in the air up here.

[00:15:38] Alexa: She kind of was bombed. I could tell that I we did it right. Yeah. I got her by the chair. I got, or I got her by the window in the chair and, um, she's sitting there. And I pour her coffee in her favorite China, and I could just see her slow everything down and I could see her really experience the sensation of the wind [00:16:00] against her face, and I could feel her full presence in that moment because there was a recognition that it was going to end and there was a moment of reverence for being alive that was.

[00:16:16] Alexa: Palpable and sensational and exquisite. Yeah. And heartbreaking, because that was it. Yeah. Was that and, and it was She, she passed a few hours later, but I had never seen her like that. My mom was a fierce businesswoman and a powerhouse, and. I just didn't never see her slow down long enough to actually experience much of anything.

[00:16:49] Alexa: Death is the last curriculum that we get, and, and she got, she passed. She passed.

[00:16:57] Alicia: That is such a beau and [00:17:00] I, and I thank you for that. I know it takes a lot to, to go in and I know you, you touched back into it and I, I can tell your empath like me, you get you, you go back to it and I, and so I know how, how much that can weigh.

[00:17:11] Alicia: But I really appreciate you sharing that because I know, um, in you saying that, Somebody's getting that. And that's why this was so important to me to have that because you never know where somebody else is needing what you've grown through. What you've learned and, and what your mom was saying at that moment is she's saying not just to you, that you can tell that she's now telling some, someone else, telling all of us that.

[00:17:32] Alicia: And, uh, another thing, and I'm gonna tap into some more of your gyms cuz you have so many where I can just tap on 'em all day and, uh, and. That, um, you know, you, uh, and I wanna say it the way you said it, one of the things that you say, and we're talking about savoring and being present, and, um, and, and I love how you say some of us will, will never run out of money.

[00:17:54] Alicia: We may never run out of, we may never run of food, but we all run out [00:18:00] of time. There's an end to this. This is temporary. And if you're not, If you're not in it, if you're not savoring the moments, what are you doing here? You know what, you're missing

[00:18:15] Alexa: it. You're missing the whole, you're missing it. The curriculum you're missing.

[00:18:19] Alexa: And it's funny cause like I, I often say like, we all wanna go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. And well, you're gonna die. Yeah. It's go, it's over. Like, so the question is, is like, where does that apply in each moment? And it's. The translation of that is, is like we all wanna feel good, but nobody wants to go through the shit to get there.

[00:18:40] Alexa: I wanna go through it. Yeah. So like, But, but it's the only way to get there. It's the only,

[00:18:46] Alicia: it's the only way. It's the, it's only way. And, you know, and there's gonna, there's gonna be good and bad. And like I said, I've, I've run into people, you know, we get to, I mean, let's face it, when you, for me and you get, in your fifties, you've had ample time to rack up a lot of crap.

[00:18:59] Alicia: [00:19:00] You've had ample time to load up on needless baggage that does not serve you. I mean, you know, you can still walk around here. I know people who've been mad about something that happened, you know? It's been almost 30 years now. You still mad about that? You still, you haven't let that go. You got this baggage.

[00:19:18] Alicia: I mean, I mean, old baggage, the wheels are falling off, the strap is broke. You still kicking that anger down the street into the next relationship and not understanding why it's not working. God, I

[00:19:30] Alexa: hope my, my boyfriend's ex-wife is listening to

[00:19:33] Alicia: this. Listen to me ex listen to me. I'm talking to, Talking to you.

[00:19:40] Alicia: It's the truth though. I

[00:19:41] Alexa: know, I know. There's a lot. There's a lot. And it's so funny because actually the irony is, is this, this holding onto the anger, resentment, and blame. I often say, and I don't remember who said it first, someone magnificent and bless you, whoever you were, but you know, having, holding onto resentment and anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

[00:19:59] Alexa: It's like [00:20:00] keeps That's right. It's tethered right. It's like keeps you tethered, it keeps you actually. In it and you're like, wait, this is causing you pain and all. And all they're doing is being like, what is your problem?

[00:20:11] Alicia: What is your problem? What is your problem? Yeah. Get through, get through it, move through it, move through it, and get to the other side.

[00:20:18] Alicia: That's what we're here to

[00:20:19] Alexa: do. And that's not to say that we're not allowed to have our anger. Either. Very true. You know, like we can't get to the, I often say like, we can't get to the Bless you until we go through the Fuck you. Yeah. Like we need to go through the like, wow, that was horrible. Yeah. You messed up.

[00:20:37] Alexa: Yeah. Express and then drop, right? Like it needs to be, it needs to live. It needs to be known. True, but then it's also needs to equally be okay. And and we release it to the light.

[00:20:50] Alicia: Release it to the light, let it go me. Yeah, let it go. Let it go. I love that. Amen. And amen. Get, let's move on with that one. I love that.[00:21:00]

[00:21:00] Alicia: Um, and, and like you said, and, and, and you said it perfectly as well. It's, it's just like this for now, this is my mantra. It is the mantra, and I am, I am taking it with me. Do I I've, I have loaded that into my mantra book, and I flipped through it and I added, and, and it's been one of those things, but I, I, if you can expand on, on the meaning, how, how did you even come to that?

[00:21:28] Alicia: How did it get to the meaning of that and how it's gonna apply to, especially women in my, in my season?

[00:21:35] Alexa: Oh my God, yes. We've all heard this too, shall. Hmm. Right. Which I think is beautiful and it's, I think it can be a little loaded, you know? Yeah. With religious kind of Exactly. Stuff, um, jargon and et cetera.

[00:21:54] Alexa: So that was, I don't even think it was necessarily inspired by that, but [00:22:00] there was a story that rom Doss. About a king. I'm gonna probably butcher it. It was a king. And he said something to the effect of like, if someone can't make me do this, I'm gonna kill everyone. And if you, and if all these people, I'm gonna kill these people if you can't, if you can't make me laugh.

[00:22:22] Alexa: Or it was something stupid like that. And that was actually the phrase that they said that it's that this too shall pass. Oh, it was, it was about like making him feel. It was about like, if you can't make me feel better, then, and he told the story and they, that was the phrase that they taught him and that he was like, oh, you're right, this two shall pass.

[00:22:41] Alexa: But then they, they didn't tell him about the opposite of this two shall pass, which is when it feels really good. Ah, this two shall pass. Right? Like that, this two shall pass isn't just for the hard times. This two shall pass is also. When you're having an [00:23:00] orgasm, right? Yeah. Enjoy

[00:23:01] Alicia: it. Yes. Yeah. Yes. So quickly sometimes.

[00:23:04] Alicia: So quickly.

[00:23:07] Alicia: I'm sorry. Um, yeah,

[00:23:10] Alexa: again, a whole other podcast. Um, whole other, but, but it's just like this for now, for me resonated. I came up. While teaching a yoga class, I used to be a yoga teacher. I, I don't teach Austin anymore. Um, but everything I teach is still yoga. Yeah. Right. In whatever facet it is. Right. It's all, it's all this practice of, it's just like this for now.

[00:23:34] Alexa: Oh, wow. And I came up with it while teaching a class because I was seeing people love these postures that were like a spinal. And they're like, oh, I just wanna stay. And then I'm having them do like boat pose, which is like a core exercise. And they're like, oh, you

[00:23:53] Alicia: know, they're like wanting, I don't want that one.

[00:23:55] Alicia: I don't want that one. Yeah,

[00:23:56] Alexa: I don't want that one. And it's like, but that's [00:24:00] the work. And you, and you know what's amazing too, is you see people with the opposite. You see people that are like, Ugh, I just wanna get moving. Like, why are we holding this easy pose for such a long time? I wanna work my ass off.

[00:24:11] Alexa: Yeah. You know? So it's. Opposite for certain people. That's true. So it's just like this for now came through in a yoga class. Oh, that's beautiful. Cause I was seeing these, I was, you can read the energy of the people. They're like so annoyed. They're like so annoyed. They're still in this pose or they're like, I don't ever wanna leave.

[00:24:31] Alexa: And somewhere in between is the truth. Somewhere in between. The truth is, is it's just like this for now. So if you hate. Be with it, because the only way out is through. It's just like this for now. If you love it, relish it. Savor it. Be fully embodied and present for it. No, cause the problem is, is a lot of the time, myself included, something's really good and then I go into my mind and I go, oh, well the other shoe's gonna drop.

[00:24:55] Alexa: Yes. Oh, that's it. This is, this is, this is va. And then I. [00:25:00] Yeah. I miss the goodness. You miss the goodness. Because I'm thinking about when it's gonna end. And the truth is, is it is gonna end. Mm-hmm. So be in it because it's gonna end

[00:25:11] Alicia: be in it. Yeah. So it's just like this. Be in it because it's gonna end. Oh man.

[00:25:17] Alicia: See, I'm, I'm, I'm in that pose now. Right now talking to you. I don't want this to end Well, how about this? It's just like this for now. I mean that's, it's like the perfect place to wrap, but I don't want to. I, it's just a perfect place to wrap and yeah, I love that. Thank you. Thank you so much. I appreciate you.

[00:25:40] Alicia: Thank you. Beautiful energy, and thank you for yours and your time. And like I said, I knew you were gonna come in here and just, and be the gift that I needed to receive today. Mm-hmm. And, um, and I, I feel gifted. Thank you so much your time. Thank you.

[00:25:54] Alexa: I'm excited for more from you. I'm excited to hear all of it.

[00:25:58] Alicia: Thank you so much. [00:26:00] And we'll keep breathing and we'll keep, uh, keeping that breath and, and we'll, And we'll keep savoring. Thank you so much, Alexa. Aw baby. Thank you for listening. That was a great conversation with Alexa. Make sure to share this episode. Rate us and write a review. See you on the next one.